Patient post – Stuck under a lightning

A lot of people assume that an eating disorder is when a person chooses not to eat. Society has been blinded by this perspective for a very long time. In reality, there are much more to these disorders than can be seen. The truth? The truth is, it’s a living hell. It’s not a matter of character and for sure it won’t make you more popular. An eating disorder will make you lose friends, steal your life and make sure you won’t leave your house. An eating disorder left untreated will eventually kill you. Its not a fashion statement or something trendy. It’s a serious deadly disorder. But you need to be the one to fight it because no one will fight it for you. No one else can save you but you. You need to be your own savior.

There will be people who will help you, give you advice and give you the tools necessary to recover, but if you are not willing to use them and help yourself, then there is no point. However, the good news is that you can save yourself. It is possible if you start to believe it. You can own your power. All it takes is commitment, patience and willingness to seek what’s good. The power is yours. Only you can do it. In order to do so, you have to be willing to change. Change is good and its natural and if its for the best, than its worth it. You must be willing to fight the demons that reside in your head. You have to break the chain between you two. Stop letting the voices get to you. You are your own worst critique. We point our flaws as if we want to hurt ourselves. Give yourself some love and give yourself time to heal. You Are worth much more than your eating disorder. You are worth much more than your bad habits. Don’t let them represent you because they are not you. You have to be the one in control of yourself, no one else. You have to be willing to leave the past behind and focus on what’s right in front of you. You must be willing to fight, no matter how hard it will get, and never be tempted to rebound, even when the journey gets extremely hard. You have to accept yourself and your disorder. Yet, still be aware that the disorder is not you and it doesn’t represent who you are. You should be willing to let go of everything and focus only on the new. Start afresh. Have hope that you will change and that you will be better. You must believe you are worthy of change, worthy of improvement and worthy of a better life. You must be willing to set aside your negative emotions and thoughts about life, yourself, family along with everything else. You must be willing to open to new thoughts, new perceptions. Your life will change only when you allow it too.  You must be willing to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done.

Recovery won’t be easy and it won’t always feel good. Most days it will be super tough. And you might even end up regretting choosing the recovery path, even though deep down you know that it’s right and what you need. You will feel frustrated, angry, upset, in pain, tired, disappointed and a whole lot more. You see, recovery isn’t meant to be easy but worth it. And from what I heard, nothing worth it ever comes easy. For the times when you don’t know whether you can make it, keep going. Nothing is impossible if you believe, you just need to have faith in yourself and your capability to recover and heal. You have to do what’s right for yourself because no one is walking in your shoes. Others managed and so can you. There is much more to life than this and you deserve better. Realize your worth and how beautiful life is. Even in our darkest times, we can still find something positive that can make our day a whole lot better. Life is short, try and live it not just exist. You have to fight through your worst days in order to enjoy the good ones. Everything in life is a lesson, you just need to know how to control your attitude of whatever comes in your way.

Honestly, like any other human being, I have my terrible moments. I relapse and at times even end up falling back to my negativity. And that’s okay. And you know why? Its okay to have breakdowns, it’s okay to feel like giving up. It’s part of being human. But then I remember, I managed to make it this far, why would I give up now? What would I get if I fall back to my bad habits? Nothing. A bad day shouldn’t affect your entire process. You got up from bed and you made it through other days, you will make it through this one too. It’s okay to feel this way, but what’s not okay is giving up on yourself. You have to be strong. You have to do this for your own good because you deserve all the best ! Through these bad days, I realized the improvement I made and I’m proud ! I’m proud that I manage to get back up from my relapses quicker than I thought. There was a point in my life where I didn’t want to live anywhere. I was constantly lying on the floor, feeling numb, just hoping that I wouldn’t be here anymore. I didn’t want to wake up to seeing another sunrise. I was so embarrassed of who I was, but now, I’m not ashamed anymore. I keep trying my best and I’m proud of how far I came. Proud for realising I need help, proud of accepting it and proud of fighting the demons that rest in my head. As tempting as it is, its important to never go back.

Truth is, your eating disorder will never tell you it’s okay to recover. Your own voice will tell you that. It’s never going to be like “ Oh look today you reached this weight, you are good to go.” No. The disorder will keep on going and going until you have lost all possible control. You have to be strong enough to make that choice. You have to be strong enough to fight it. To be a warrior. Your own warrior. You have to decide who will win, and hopefully it would be you. Jerry Corsten says, “fear is a natural byproduct of change. It takes time to get familiar with new thoughts and situations. Don’t let it stop you from changing.” And you know what? Fear is good. Fear means you actually feel something. You will be doing something which you are not used too. Just by being afraid, you are letting yourself indulge into something out of your comfort zone, and that my friend, that’s what I call courage. One of the most courageous decisions you will ever make is when you admit to your decisions and start taking actions. Admitting is far more easier than done, but it can happen and it will. It requires a lot of strength and support. The hardest part is that you have to keep going. Especially during the hardest days. The past is the past and its there for a reason. You cannot go back there and you cannot change it so stop living there and focus on what’s in front of you. Don’t look back. Focus on what really matters. What you do from this point forward is what counts. It’s like when you take part in a race. Once you start running, you can only run forward to win and reach the finish line. If there are obstacles, you jump them because that’s how you can keep on going. But you never turn back, only forward. And if you fall, you get up.

Recovery is such a long journey, yet it’s worth it. You get your life back. You get yourself back. You get everything. The 2 keys to recovery are first, admitting you have a problem and seeking action. You must recognise the voices and the lies it tells you and not giving up when you think its impossible. Because it is possible. Others managed to do it, so can you. Life is a consistent progress. You must learn and improve everyday. You will always look back and be thankful for the effort you put in yourself. Develop a strong opinion about yourself, so no one could change it. The love for yourself is something no one can take from you. Its okay to focus on yourself. You are not being selfish. Its okay to invest time in yourself, to be kind to yourself and to know your worth. Which is much more than the eating disorder. Find out who you are, develop your own perception and find out who you really are on your own. The most important thing is, you should never look at yourself in disgust. You are part of nature itself. You are a gift to your parents, your family and friends. Beautiful, energy and light. Loving yourself is a continual progress that happens through time. You don’t just wake up and say “Oh I love myself fully today”. It just doesn’t work that way. Each day you commit to seeing progress, the self love will continue to grow. You realise that you love another person through time. It doesn’t happen in a minute. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love. Imagine a child coming up to you and tells you s/he is fat, pathetic and ugly. What would you reply? Would you agree with them or soothe them? If you would soothe the child, why wouldn’t you do that to yourself? Why put yourself through all that negativity? We are all human beings. Find your reason to be alive. Just remember to always be proud of yourself. Everything will be okay in the end, and if not, than its not the end. Just hang in there :)